don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
