You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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