I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
