Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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