I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
