Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
