i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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