how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
