Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
