I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
