My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
