my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
