I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My life is pants optional.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
