so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
