Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
