Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
third nipple confirmed
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize
