So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
