My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
