Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
