I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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