so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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