The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
