Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I am midnight drunk by noon
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
