Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
