all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
