Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
