My underwear smells like fireworks.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
