I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
