I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
