can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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