my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
