So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
