Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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