I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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