I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
