Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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