I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
