I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
high people should be assigned attendants
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
