So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
