True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
