I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
