so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
