I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
