So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
