checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
