you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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