Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
zippers are such a cool invention
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
