How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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