At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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