I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
